The Difference Between Pursuing Excellence and Demanding the Impossible
The word perfectionism comes up constantly in my sessions. What lies behind it is not always simply the desire to do something well. Often, it involves the expectation that we should never make mistakes, should be able to control every variable, and must achieve an ideal outcome regardless of the circumstances.
Wanting to be good at something, working hard, and setting goals are not the problem. High standards can motivate us to learn, grow, and develop our potential. The difficulty begins when what we expect from ourselves no longer reflects the reality in which we live.
The time available to us, our responsibilities, the resources we can access, our level of experience, and unexpected events are all part of that reality. Although we cannot fully control them, they influence what is possible at any given moment.
I often describe this as “living too far into the future”: becoming so focused on a distant, overwhelming goal that we create expectations without considering our starting point or present circumstances.
A high standard might say: “I want to do this very well, learn throughout the process, and make adjustments when necessary.”
Unrealistic self-demand, by contrast, says: “This has to turn out exactly as I imagined, without mistakes and regardless of the cost.”
Excellence requires a beginner’s mind: curiosity, openness to learning, and a willingness to recognize that we do not know everything. It also requires the flexibility to change direction when reality provides new information. Being flexible does not mean abandoning the goal or compromising quality. It means preventing an expectation from becoming so rigid that it interferes with our ability to learn.
We can recognize that a standard has become excessive when something that once inspired us begins to feel like a constant test of our worth. Frustration appears, nothing ever seems good enough, and mistakes or changes of plan become increasingly difficult to tolerate. The goal stops motivating us and begins to wear us down.
To me, excellence is not defined solely by the result. How we reach that result also matters, as does whether our decisions remain aligned with our values and principles.
Control as a False Sense of Security
In the workplace, excessive demands can develop into the need to control everything. We overload ourselves with tasks because we believe that we are the only ones who can do them correctly. We criticize different ways of working and judge both our own performance and that of others harshly.
Behind the thought “I am the only one who can do this properly” there is often an underlying fear: failing, losing credibility, being judged, or no longer being indispensable.
Trying to control everything may create a temporary sense of security, but it also leads to overload, distrust, and frustration. It limits other people’s opportunities to participate, learn, and contribute solutions that differ from our own.
We do not choose every thought, emotion, or impulse that arises. Nor can we control how other people think or behave. What we can develop is the ability to recognize what is happening within us and decide how we want to respond.
I like to call this self-leadership: the ability to manage ourselves before attempting to direct everything happening around us.
Self-leadership is expressed through concrete actions: asking for help, delegating, listening, setting boundaries, communicating expectations, making decisions, and taking responsibility for their consequences.
Delegating does not mean giving up our standards. It means distinguishing between the outcome we need and our personal way of achieving it. Before stepping in, we can ask ourselves:
- What requirements must the outcome meet?
- Which aspects are truly non-negotiable?
- Where is there room for someone else to work differently?
- Have I clearly communicated what I expect?
Other people cannot meet an expectation that exists only in our minds.
We can influence, guide, assign responsibilities, and establish boundaries. Building a strong team, however, also requires allowing others to contribute through their own abilities and perspectives. Collective excellence does not mean everyone working exactly as we do. It means bringing different strengths together to achieve a shared objective.
Redefining Success Through Demanding but Sustainable Standards
“Doing your best” may sound like a positive standard, but it can also become an impossible expectation when it means doing more, doing everything perfectly, and continually surpassing yourself.
A demanding yet sustainable standard requires clear criteria. It must account for the desired outcome, the available resources, the time involved, our responsibilities, and the cost we are willing to accept.
Before establishing an expectation, we can ask ourselves:
- What outcome do I want to achieve, and why does it matter?
- Does this expectation reflect my current reality?
- What time, resources, and support are available to me?
- Which aspects are essential, and which can be adjusted?
- Is there room to learn, make mistakes, and correct them?
- Could I work this way consistently?
Redefining success does not mean settling or abandoning our ambition. It means no longer treating exhaustion as proof of commitment.
It also means evaluating the process more fully: through results, but also through learning, collaboration, adaptability, and consistency.
High standards invite us to grow. Unrealistic demands force us to prove our worth again and again.
Sustainable excellence does not require us to lower our goals. It requires us to examine where our expectations come from, the conditions under which we pursue them, and the cost of trying to achieve them.